<3 ;;hate me for all the things i didnt do for you;;<3 [entries|friends|calendar] hate me so you can finally see what's good for you [ website | -my-myspace- <33 =) ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

smitten [12 Aug 2008|05:10pm] he has me completely & utterly smitten. his eyes draw me in & i can hang on his every word. i havent liked someone this much since, the last one. wow thats scary, but this time. it is so much more. i am seeing him again tomorrow. & i am more than satisfied with the hold of his hands and his arms around me. my hopes are so high is kiss might kill me. im glad we are taking it slow. he is so much more mature then all the others. and i think i love that the most. <33 did i mention... he is beautiful. post comment

[08 Aug 2008|01:49am] well i got a hug and for the first time it felt right in a long time. he is amazing and that just scares me. post comment

thinking...... [03 Aug 2008|08:09pm] i did it. i finally found him. the one that makes me smile again. and it is ungodly how much we have in common and how much history we have behind us. his eyes consumes me and his smile.... what can i say... he is just unreasonably pretty. our past... is the same. same story same heart ache. which also helps. i want to pick up his pieces and i want him to pick up mine. i want us to make each other feel hole and complete again. i just want this so bad. and purely that fact just scares me. i dont ever want to be that close to anyone again. but i want to be close to him. he just is an amazing person. he intrigues my mind. what am i suppose to do. i dont want to like him this much. but i just cant help it. god i really want this to work out. here i go again!!!! post comment

my anger shouts from the lowest part of my hearts gallows. [01 Aug 2008|12:44pm] my anger it speaks beneathe me, and i cannot control it. wishing that you would not return and just stay among the places you are. my selfishness is crying out and rings hopes of your nonexistant return. but deep inside i know that feeling that you again are on your way home. and i ask myself to keep forgetting you, as i have been so well. and i pray that you will not try to retrace the so forgotten steps. i want it to stay like this, and apart of it you can not be. in many ways all of this is for the best i assume. and i am sure you will not ruin this for me. my hearts wants other things but i have begun to let my mind take control. and this alone has allowed me to be amoungst others again. and we both seem now so happy with the lack of each other in ourlives. so maybe after all this is the greatest gift we have given each other. let it free and let the other be and to speak only with the minds intentions. but then again.... i wish for you stay. stay far among the places you are now, my selfishness is crying out and rings for hopes if your nonexistant return..... i like being able to smile again. post comment

<3 a door close, and another has opened [29 Jul 2008|05:31pm] so in the past like 2-3 weeks my life has turned around. i am happier now, then i have been in months. i have this new found freedom and i love all of it. the best part, my life revovles only around me and only what i want matters now, and yes this is somewhat kinda of selfish but i have never had this independence and i am truely enjoying it. school is about to begin once again. and yes this sucks, but yet i am glad also. i found that person that has made me truely laugh again. and that is an amazing feeling, and he has also restored my faith that there are MEN out there that want what i want. life is good. post comment

for what it's worth [15 Jul 2008|09:47am] im confined in warped emotions. my mind is spinning in emotionless hope trying to define it's self and stop at the right outcome. i am feeled with terrible thoughts of you and with so much passionate rage directed towards you. is this how you wanted it? we will just continue to be no more. and act as if we never began. i do think that this is easier. but i wish it all on you three more times then what you had to have happen to me. and finally no more will you bother me. you took the life we had, and switched it around. you pushed me out to have your own selfish ways. but i know, that i am ok with all this. and there is a good possibility that you wont be. cause i was the one that tired. & didnt give up for a life that will drag you down and one day hurt you then turn its back on you. but then again you got what you wanted. so goodbye for all that it's worth. post comment

[28 Apr 2008|05:28pm] i cant believe that i made such a bad decision on such a stupid impluse and toxication. this was dumb;; very dumb, but i can understand how he did it now. and honestly some times it really just happens. i guess im gonna lose a friend over this one. but if i can forgive myself, then i can forgive him. but the only problem is... is it to late? id rather lose this friend of ours. then lose him all together..... post comment

im going crazy on the inside [27 Apr 2008|07:02pm] so i hate this. i hate all of this. i miss his;; everything. i miss what we used to be. i sit here wondering why i did this? why i decided to just give it all up. and i keep telling myself... well if he loves me then he is feeling the same. if he wanted me wouldnt he be trying? i would give anything to have him come to me and say that we can work this out;; that he realzed how much i meant to him. but for some reason i really dont see that happening. and as much as i want that to happen. i have a feeling that it just wont. i really didnt want to give up... but im at a loss on what to do. i cant hang on like that anymore ... not knowing that what happened might happen again. im hurting ... but in the end ...is this really for the best??? god i dont fucking know anymore. post comment

time has changed so much. [27 Feb 2008|05:48pm] i cant believe that i actually remember this damn thing. i have been going back and reading and i cant believe how in love i was?? & i wonder where all that went? & when did it slip away???? god knows i still love him it isnt easy not to.. but it isnt even close to being the same. i guess ppl just grow apart and things just change. i just miss that wonderful feeling of being so in love..... post comment

[04 Sep 2007|08:46am] so it hase been a good while since i have updated on this thing... i love college and work. but most of all i miss him. but things are still wonderful and i know that always will be. 1 comment|post comment

[11 Jun 2007|01:24pm] so he left saturday ;; for a month. & i have been fighting tears since friday. its been ok ;; but with each day it gets harder. we havent got to talk alot;; & his voice is very faint. i can barely hear him and it reminds me of the distance. i think about him all the time & eveything remind me of him & us. i havent really just broke down and cried yet. but i can sure feel it coming. this is just really hard. i have spent every weekened with him for the past 7, almost 8 months. he is a big part of me and my bestfriend;; and it makes all this hard. the next 28 days are going to go by slow but i am trying to keep myself busy;; so they will pass more quick. & its been ok so far;; but i just really really miss him. but i am glad to know that he misses me alot too. & that he never fails to call me and tell me goodnight. & that helps alot to. i guess this is a test for us in a way. but i am not worried;; because i love him more and more each day wether he is here or away, & i know that our love can handle this and pull us through. it has many many times.... i love and miss you like crazy john. post comment

i jsut have to watch and wait [27 May 2007|10:59am] well me and john has a very emotional & long talk yesterday. there were things have needed to be said for sometime now. neither of us has done anything wrong but our relationship has done a complete 180 in the last month and a half. it hasnt been bad but its just been alot different then what we wanted. its almost like we are becoming what we dont want to be, but neither of us has done anything to make this happen it just has. GOD we dont want this to happen. GOD we dont want to lose each other. we just dont know why this has happend. it hurts so bad to be next to each other and feel so distant but there isnt a damn thing we can do about it cause neither of us knows what is going on or why this is happening. Im not scared of him breaking my heart but the situtation breaking my heart. And yesterday when he told me that everytime he has said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, he has never not meant it or been unsure about it. Now someone please tell me why that we have had such a wonderful fucking realtionship to have it pulled right out from underneath us. It is complete fucking bullshit that this is happening to us. We arent like other realtionships. We care so much and put each other first. We forgive and forget. Our love is amazing. Now someone fucking tell me WHY IN THE HELL this is happening to US!!! We are so unselfish and so kind and this fucking happens. WHY DID THIS FUCKIN HAPPEN TO US!!! it just hurts so bad that we may not beable to stop this. God i love him so much and just this is killing me.. what happens if i completely lose him. there are so many signs that we are suppose to be together and now this happens. He is leaving for KY a few days after school lets out. We decided that this is our true test. Either this will be the best thing that has happened to us or the worst. And i am so scared that i cant sleep at night that i wake up crying and i am a nervous wreck. I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOO MUCH;; i dont know what i would do without him. i know i have been hurt and got over things before,, but not a realtionship like this. My worst fear was him dieing and me never seeing him again. never having a life with him.. but now i am sitting back watching a our realtionship die and i cant do a damn thing about it. God i want to see him today and everything be different, I want him to come home from ky knowing we can live without each other but i am scared of the exact oppoiste. im just holding on. i love you my wonderful.. i really do. i have no doubt in my mind that you love me and i love you. I know that i will always love you and i will always be here for you, no matter if we do fail at the realtionship. I will never turn my back on you;; and i will never hate you. & i know that i will never quit loving you. you will always be my wonderful and forever. I love you and i hope we get back to normal. post comment

[24 May 2007|08:48pm] since you care so much about my life to read my updates. i got a special bulitin for you on myspace. you should go check it out. since you know;; care so much ,,,, thanks =) post comment

[22 May 2007|07:15pm] time passes way to damn quick;; 1 yr a ago i was torn inbetween 2 good ppl. the year before that i mind as well have been married & my heart breaking at the same time. & people that were friends then arent now. 4 yrs before that;; guys finally became serious in realtionships;; but i always got hurt. & everyone was so close. & 6-7 yrs before that;; a long realtionship was like 2 weeks. & before that;; everyone was best friends and sisters. god things have changed so much in such the past few years... HOW CRAZY!!!! post comment

.... <3 .... [17 May 2007|12:57pm] [ mood | in love ] ;; slowly and certainly our love keeps growing stronger ;; ;; i can tell more & more with each sweet kiss & tender hug, ;; ;; that our love will never fail us;; and that you; my love, ;; ;; are the one i was meant to be with;; ;; & the one i will end up with. ;; ;; & i am more than turely happy ;; ;; that FINNALY i found my real one & only. ;; ...i love you john michael reed... post comment

& she started thinking [15 May 2007|09:46pm] [ mood | thinking ] so i had to get on here and vent. i was thinking, which is bad and the seniors have about 9 days counting tomorrow & honestly it really makes me want to cry. I am so ready to Grad, but so not ready to leave everyone. I hate i am leaving some of my closest friends behind.i hate the fact that some of you i will never see again after this summer. i hate the fact we will all fall apart. I hate the fact that some of you will be lost to drugs & alchol & I hate the fact that Class of 07 is coming to an end. God i am gonna miss some of you all so much but i am happy that i will still see some of you all next year at MECC. This is extreamly hard to just up and leave something and ppl you have know for basicly all of your life and it is really starting to all set in. God it all to real to be happening & most of all i am afraid of not having my good moring kisses and goodbye hugs. I am afraid that us being together like this suddenly stopping is going to hurt us. God i am worried about our time apart is going to hurt so much that it will kill us. I have so much faith in us;; more faith in us then i have ever had my entire life. God we have somethign very unique and specail & it really kills me to think how hard this next year is going to be on us. & as sacry as it is, and as hard as it will be i think we can do it. But there is always the chance that we wont, and jsut thinking about it breaks my heart. I love you more than i have anyone in my entire life. you have shown me this wonderful giving unselfish love and i cant lose, and i dont ever want to lose it & just thinking that this year could be the one thing that might make it happen, almost kills me. I love you;; & hope and pray that nothing will hurt us or come between us!!!!! God i am going to miss everyone!!!! post comment

quick update... [06 May 2007|06:11pm] lately;; life has been so much more than wonderful. i love you;; john michael reed. you bring so much to my life. post comment

[30 Apr 2007|01:13pm] before prom ;; prom ;; & after prom was all extreamly great. it was more then a night to rememeber post comment

[25 Apr 2007|01:15pm] [ mood | blank ] & slowly while surely the things between us are getting better thank god post comment

i just cant figure this out.. whats going on?? [23 Apr 2007|12:13pm] and he doesnt even know he looks right at me as my heart is breaking and he doesnt even know.... the tears i hold back so he cant see because he doesnt have a clue he is shreading me apart without even knowing that he is doing it. he is dragging my heart through that recent pain and he cant even feel the hurt. he doesnt know what he is doing or whats going on here he cant understand why i am feeling this or the closeness that has slipped away the distance it rising between us and its forcing us apart and he doesnt know why all this is going on... so how are we suppose to fix it? &hearts: post comment

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